Death. By Torture.

That’s it. I have had it up to my existence for the next several lives. I am frustrated, angry, embittered. And needless to say, I am ashamed of myself. Because I have a face and a profile that attracts by the dozens the most unique on the social networking site called Orkut.

Sample the first paragraph of my current “About Me”. It is nasty, rude, aggressive, and meant to put-off. It was written to ensure that my sanity remained where it should and that the moronic friendship requests that I was getting every day would lessen in number. So I wrote this:

“*Caution: I am extremely irritated by the fact that friendship requests from ultra dumb people are still reaching me for no fault of mine. So I am joining my hands and begging...DO NOT send me a friendship request without an introductory scrap or email. And if your profile is dull, insipid, inundated with grammatical errors, or it's just downright stupid, spare me and move along. I REALLY have better things to do with my time.*”

But to no avail. Because I still attract, rather I pull towards myself thanks to my devastating charm, samples such as the gentleman who sent a friendship request this morning and whose profile name is “Your Dream Boy”. Yes, of course! He would be my dream boy because his profile not only has a display photo of Emran Hashmi with a particularly jack-assish smile in place and who is SO the man I lust after, but his “About Me”, which I have copied and pasted to the last letter reads like this. “I am a Simple Boy. I Like make a good friends. and want to share all problum's with my friend's. i m allways happy. i think friendship is a Best relationship in the world.”

Why? Why? Why? Why me? Why in spite of the “Caution”? In spite of the rudeness, the aggression? What made the man think that I want to share all his “problum’s”? That I would be happy to be friends with someone who has to write Simple Boy using capital letters? That we would have profound and mentally-stimulating lengthy discussions on the two communities that he is a member of – “Hutch” and the “United States of Ropar”? How are either of them relevant to where I am right now and to what I am doing with my life?

Another a*hole wrote this the other day in his private message to me:
“Dear Madam, thank you for the opportunity to write to you!”
Yes, of course, I WAS interviewing him for a job after all.
“I am liking your attitude-ful introduction.”
!!!
“I am also liking your attitude.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Therefore I am wanting friendship with you.”
Thank you. I am also wanting friendship with you. And I am also wanting you to die a slow and painful death. Are you not wanting that?

But the finest friendship request in the last few days has been from a person who had the balls to send me an email. He couldn’t be satisfied with mere scraps or messages. He wrote (again I am copying and pasting the exact words):
“How r u?I hope fine.......Anyways this is Vinayak & I am looking forward for friendship with u. Can i think of u as a friend of mine? Can we be friends?”
Yes, yes, please, please, pretty please. Do think of me as your friend, so what if your name means NOTHING to me?
“Your name is really very pretty & hope the same with u.”
Okay, Buddy. That's good to hear. But say it once again now, and this time make it in English please.
“I am waiting for ur reply & plz do feel comfortable.”
I will. I shall run right now like a breathless bird and remove the heavy weight of my brain from my head. Just the way you have in order to be comfortable.
“With Regards & Respect,
Vinayak”
In a semi-suicidal mode,
Sayantani