I want to throw open a question here today. This is to get an insight into how all of you feel about a certain situation.
This is a story of two people, and yes, it is a love story, which seems to have hit a dead end. And I, a friend of the girl, need a solution.
We shall call the girl Swati and the boy Dheer. Both in their mid 20s, they met online, fell in love, and Dheer came all the way down to India from US, where he is a PhD student to meet Swati. Their online chemistry was intact in real life, and things could not be more perfect. He went back after a week or so, and over the next one and a half years life was beautiful for them, in spite of the huge difference in time and geography. Eventually, they both want marriage out of this relationship, but as of now there are two problems:
- Swati wants to get engaged at this point of time. Dheer does not. Swati’s reasons for wanting an engagement: She wants a name put on this relationship, and also wants to reassure her family, which like all good families wants to see her settle down.
Dheer’s reasons for not wanting an engagement:
He has three years of education in front of him, and does not want to be tied down. He insists that although he loves Swati and would love to get married to her eventually, getting engaged now will curb his freedom. He is also very sure that he is never coming back to India.
So how does Dheer assure Swati and her family that he is here for keeps?
2. Swati works in an IT firm and is professionally very successful. She sees no point in chucking her cushiony job and flying off to the US without a sound backup plan. Where will she live, what will she live off? She does not want to be a student there, she has no job currently waiting for her in the US, she cannot live with Dheer because he is still a student who does not have the money to support two people.
So how do these two people in love with each other get to be together?
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18 comments:
First, is this a real story or a test? If real, kudos to this couple for managing to make a long distance relationship work. But do they both expect the same things from their relationship? And have they really discussed the details of their long term plans in terms of careers and where they hope to live and other minute points that will ultimately have a major impact on their lives?
I can't say I understand Dheer's dilema....What kind of freedom is he afraid of losing? Is it the old committment phobia?
Seriously, is he dating other women? Because if they both are/were seeing other ppl (apart from seeing eachother online) uptil now, then, ok he does have a point in not wanting to give that up. But if he does hope to eventually marry her, why is afraid of committing? He does want to be with her in real life right?
The choice is basically Swati's. If she is sure that he is the only guy she'll ever be happy with, then she knows that she'll have to move to the US because he wont come stay in India and presumably, she has known this before now.
But she needs to understand that just getting engaged does not ensure future happiness. (but I guess it's parental pressure more than anything else)
If possible, she should take some time off and visit him in the US, see his campus, meet his friends and decide if he is the guy she thinks he is. If she's sure she wants to be with him after that, she should look for a job there...and IT is still big in the US... and move(She doesn't have to move in with him tho) and then they can marry and live happily ever after once he finishes studying...or she can dump him for some other guy ;)
@ Tinsel (I will never bother with that spelling....because "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn")
Thank you for that detailed post.
This was not a test...this is a situation from real life, something that has been troubling me since morning. Because I feel so helpless...they are both wonderful people, and this is not how things should just suddenly end.
Your points and reading of the situation makes sense. Thanks again.
hmmm....big prob.....well i agree more or less with etincelle.....her assesment of situation is quite similar to wat i thot of..........
infact they shud have thot of all this lil earlier.....maybe when dheer visited india.....they shud have sat down...clearly listed their priorities and decide of a path which suits both.....as for gal movie to usa...thats hardly a prob...there are enough jobs for her.........
It's not that simple Deeps.
Swati visited US a while ago on work and that time she visited Dheer as well. They did discuss things and it seemed like he was ok with the idea of atleast formalising their relationship to some extent. Now he is willing to meet her parents but thats all.
And Swati will not move to a different country with just a vain hope that three years from now Dheer will want to settle down. Thats asking for too much, isnt it?
wat kind of love it is then when they r not able to come to a decision which gonna be good for both of them instead of one......
love without realism has no place and if thats the attitude of both dheer and swati ....i dont think anything happening in future......
Although being in love means wanting to be with someone, realism or practicality cannot be done away with. In that sense, both of them are behaving the way a lot of 21st century individuals would...that, yes, I love you, but at the same time, I love myself, and for that I will make the career choices I have to make.
@ Deeps
"wat kind of love it is then when they r not able to come to a decision which gonna be good for both of them instead of one..."
If being in love meant taking decisions that were always right for both the people involved, then most love stories of this world would not have had unhappy endings.
unhappy endings are not always result of not coming down to a decison...sometimes circumstances also play a big part........
so if they think that career is something more important than companionship and love for each other then why r theyr worried...go work hard and enjoy their office........they will sulk for a month or two and then they will find someone else....life wud be same again
i m sorry but if two people who are in love cant come down to a decision for mutual benefits....are better w/o each other rather than being with each other.....
I agree.
And I personally think Dheer is being very rigid in his stance. I am saying so not because Swati is my friend, and because I would naturally take a girl's side or some crap like that...but because one of the reasons he wont get engaged is 'coz "it will curb freedom" is bullshit.
Relationships for people at my age are all about good-time-over-coffee-together, and friendship. Thank God for no complications.
All I'd like to say is.. All the best you guys. Hope you reach an agreement soon.
@ Rohit
Thanks for that insightful and interesting comment. Relationships are indeed nice and uncomplicated at your age...if only they could remain so forever.
on a funny note.....dheer hasnt crossed rohit's yet when it comes to rships :D
ps: no offence to any1
@ Deeps
:) No buddy, no offence taken. Chill.
@ Neha
On a personal note...first of all, let me say that my completely crazy friend has done something sensible in his life (finally) by at least choosing the right woman for himself.
Having said that, thank you for your well-thought out and lucid comment. I agree with what you've said. Engagement now, marriage later, Swati moves to the US, surely gets a job, and its a happy ending. As of now, Dheer's shying away from an engagement is a worrying factor. Although I know for a fact that there are no other women in his life, yet, this stand is disturbing indeed.
Deeps: Grr!
:D
dheer and swati...
lovely couple...
personally content with something and looking for something to make them happier...
a relationship provides that happiness..
but then this is not taking them anywhere... suddenly the source of all the happiness is causing a whole lot of mess....
and i do not see a solution till one of them gives up what they have been working for.. working in...
are they ready for that kinda compromise...
even if they are ...
i personally do not think anyone of them should go ahead with a compromise...
i would not have...
i agree with neha on this
i still have to c a rship which is succesful w/o any compromises by either party.....
@ neha...
if Dheer or Swati could have thought of these things when they met over the net, anything of this sort would not have happened...
i agree to the fact that a relationship comes with a lot of compromises, but if it makes you leave something that you have been working for, and looking forward to.. then i rather be with myself then the relationship...
dheer and Swati, by the looks of it, could have and should have thought a li'il ahead of time and avoided a situation where a decision is needed right away...
personally i think even if Dheer settles down NOW.. which i feel he should... Swati still is not in a position to go ahead and start living with Dheer... and don't tell me that both of these two smart people did not think about reaching a situation like this before... and started loving just like that.. huh !!!
Ashutosh -
From the emotional point of view –
These are two people in the world who believed in something and they made it happen together, both of them were in their nest safe and sound. Both of them were highest priority for each other. Over the period swati realized that they have come to a turn where there are 2 roads, and one need to make decision(toughest part in anyone’s life). now as love doesn’t recognize the logic and suddenly swati wanted some logical base for the love-relation, things becomes complex. Dheer is acting as any amature-illogical teen will act. Swati matured little late. One decision to be taken by both of them – one and the first major decision of life – no one is ready to compromise. Priorities changed – how can they love each other now? Do you “think” when you are in love? How are they thinking now? Are they not in love? Or u r telling me that love has low priority compared to their career?
my conclusion is – one who has come down from US to India just for a sake of girl is little radical and he can be radical again on the other extreme (trust me – friend of mine has done more radical than this - the sheer intention behind this is always the thrill/infatuation – I know you wont trust me. –
Chuck the guy. Learn from your life.
From the Logical point of view –
Love is not logical still I would try to put my point forth. This life is a system which is interdependent and interrelated to many other systems i.e. friends, family and society. When you take a decision about this system all other systems are impacted. Any good or bad decision is going to make impact on all interrelated decisions. For example – when your friend fall in love - you were happy, you might even have been jealous, now as they are going thru tough situation – you are tens. So your system is closely tied up with your friends system. That was system.
Therefore whenever you take a decision about your system don’t you have to think about those related systems – or you are ignoring them for your convenience? Selfish.
Now there is a possibility that swati might have taken decision after consulting you – so now you are also the part of decision making.
Therefore any decision now made will again make impact on other systems – therefore take logical steps though it might be against that little part in your body right in your chest(heart).
If she has taken the decision let her take it one more time – just try to make sure that she is logically correct.
--Ashutosh
-dont have a blog yet.
@ Ashutosh
Thank you for reading the post, and for your comment.
You have made this very valid point here that such relationships cannot be looked at or studied in isolation. There are other facets of life that cannot be ignored simply because one is in love. That would be being selfish.
Having said that, I would also like to say that no matter how much you love your family, you owe it to yourself to make as perfect a life as you want for yourself. For someone it might be a career for someone else it might mean being with the one they love. To each his own clearly.
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